The real test of a relationship

Being in love we get to feel that cocktail of dopamine, seratonin, pitocin & God knows what else that makes that goosey, blubbery feeling that we all crave. Staying in love means something else altogether.

It means leaning into the discomfort of the edges of those walls that we put up in order to protect our hearts from pain. When the love starts flowing, it highlights the fears and misfortunes of the past that have caused us to erect walls.

This looks like those old familiar doubts, mistrust, skepticism and “when is the shoe gonna fall” ideations that float through consciousness as we approach an ever deepening feeling of intimacy with our beloved. This feels like triggers...shut downs, child wounds, sabotaging behaviors that are set up like booby traps to keep our hearts safe and sound and everyone else out of those still tender spaces. As we near a full year of relationship, I can see every day that this man is the perfect mirror. One who reflects to me how beautiful & amazing I can be, and more importantly, who shows me where my shit is.

What I’ve learned so far is this: it’s not reasonable to think that the perfect relationship is all unicorns and butterflies every day. While there is plenty of that, the real value comes in having a strong partner who can navigate with me through the walls and dams and who can come out on the other side- more intimate, more authentic & wiser together. The real test of a relationship, for me, is whether my partner has the courage to step on the land mines of our triggers and instead of pulling back to avoid it, can grab my hand and dive in together...over and over until we are free and all that is left is love.


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